Open Question: Please help revise my story? Just an excerpt. Help give feedback?

31 July 2010, 5:27 am

Heyy, can you guys help me edit, and give me feedback? This is just a first copy, so dont expect too much :P Thanks! ~J ♥ So here's my story: (It's just an excerpt :D) Part 1: Allie “Al?” I remained focused on my notebook. “Allie???” I flipped a page. “Miss Allyson Jordan Hart!!!” My 14 year old identical twin sister, Shayla, snapped. Sprawled on one of two twin beds that occupied our room, I craned my neck, trying to face her. “What do you want?” Shayla stood in my half of our shared room, one hand on her hips, modeling a stylish white dress with a gold chain around the waist. She dangled a white leather purse by the fingers, and her face was made up, a tint of rose blush on her cheeks. Her honey colored hair was elaborately curled, swept into an elegant updo, showing the large, round hoops that adorned her ears. “How do you like it?” she asked, twirling around once. “Wow, Shay, I-I’m amazed.” I set down my journal and sat up to look at her. “I know. I look stunning, don’t I?” She laughed. “Y-yeah…! Where are you going, anyways?” A loud shriek sounded from the room across the hall. Shay rolled her eyes, then muttered, “Stupid Alex,” referring to our rowdy, 10 year old brother. “I can’t believe he’s actually related to us.” Shayla and I are completely identical, with the same colored hair, only Shayla’s honey colored locks were better conditioned AND a shade lighter than mine. We’re both tall and lanky, with blue eyes and tan skin. The only way to tell us apart is the small, brown freckle that I bear, near the corner of my left eye. But otherwise, Shayla and I are completely different. Shayla is the one who spends her weekends at the mall with her large clump of popular friends, trying on skimpy miniskirts and picking out cute graphic tees. I usually just stay home and read, or do some quiet writing. I don’t have a flair for style, unlike my sister, and I don’t put on ANY makeup at all. I also never get invited to parties, clubs, or social outings. I was a social reject; my sister was a social butterfly. “Earth to Allie!” My sister shouted, jerking me from my thoughts. “Seriously, what has gotten into you? I insult Alex and then you zone out. Whatever!” She flipped her side bangs aside, rolling her eyes. “Sorry.” I reached for my journal again. “Hey!” Shayla grabbed my arm. “Don’t you just ah-dore my dress? I got it from- Oh, whatevs. And speaking of dresses, don’t you wanna know where I’m headed tonight???” I blinked. “I don’t see the connection.” “What?” Shayla looked slightly taken aback. I drew a deep breath. “You said ‘speaking of dresses, don’t you want to know where I’m headed tonight?’ but technically, if I don’t know where you’re going tonight, then how can that be related to-“ “Save your breath!” Shayla snarled. “Talk the nerd talk to your little nerdy friends. I don’t wanna hear any of it. Understand?” I stared. “Look, I’m sorry.” Shayla plopped down on my bed next to me. “I just- sometimes you talk like that to me so much… and I kind of… blow my top.” I waved the apology aside. “Whatever. Just tell me where you’re going tonight.” Shayla brightened. “So. Tonight….I’m going to….”she paused for dramatic effect. I rolled my eyes. “Just tell me.” Shayla looked slightly put out. “Fine. Lynn Hanson invited me to her Thanksgiving party! Everyone will be there.” Lynn Hanson is the most popular girl in the eighth grade. Shayla paused, then smirked and said, “So…. If she invited everybody, then…you should be going, right?” I let my eyes stray back to my journal. “I didn’t get an invitation.” Shayla feigned shock. “REALLY!” I looked back up at her. “Don’t try to rub it in. I know I’m not popular.” Shayla looked at the floor, a smile teasing her lips. “Well, Lynn said she invited everybody.” I didn’t reply. Shayla pulled on her sandaled heels, snuck a glance at me, and then said, “Well, I should be going now. Party starts at eight.” She grabbed her purse. “See ya.” I replied without looking up. “Bye.” She pranced out of the room, twirling a lock of hair. Of course, it bounced back perfectly onto her shoulders. I listened to her heels click down the stairs. I expected to her slam the door any minute now, but instead, I heard an uneven tap of her shoes, thumps echoing all around the stairs, and a short, startled scream. Then a pained, “ALLIE!!! HELP ME!!! GET DOWN HERE, NOW!!!!” ehh, sorry guy's.....I forgot ONE WORD......'hear'. so the sentence is 'I expected to HEAR her'....blah blah blah not i expected 'to her'. k? thx. :P I'm not an idiot who doesnt know how to spell. :) :D thanks guys! ILY. ♥ ehh, sorry guy's.....I forgot ONE WORD......'hear'. so the sentence is 'I expected to HEAR her'....blah blah blah not i expected 'to her'. k? thx. :P I'm not an idiot who doesnt know how to spell. :) :D thanks guys! ILY. ♥... Read More »

More Topics from "Answers"

• Open Question: Does the park ranger academy at Santa Rosa Junior College have a Thanksgiving recess during the fall semester?
• Open Question: is she a gold digger?
• Open Question: Who else cant wait until Thanksgiving!?
• Open Question: What are some tasty ways to bake or cook sweet potatoes?
• Open Question: what is an adverb clause and a noun clause?
• Open Question: How much is a train ticket from Detriot to Chicago?
• Open Question: Will swimming tone my body and cause weight loss?
• Open Question: In a bit of a pickle?
• Open Question: What should I do about Christmas this year?